Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize