im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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