I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
