There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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