im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this beer tastes like vomit already
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
