Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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