Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
