my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
