Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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