Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
