if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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