her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
