fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
