It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
