ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
