why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
