If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
