someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
