is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
