I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
