The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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