My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
