I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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