my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
