he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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