Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Come see our sink grown plant.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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