im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize