I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
