Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize