I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
