Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we made out on top of his cat.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
