dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
high people should be assigned attendants
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
