Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
