There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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