Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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