This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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