hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
