I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So squirting runs in the family.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
