Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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