dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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