There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
