So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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