I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
