Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
