I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize