my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
