in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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