I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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