i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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