shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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