apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
there is glitter all over my balls
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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