Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
