i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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