fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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