My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
