you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
