Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
