just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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