I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
