I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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